You know, I think it’s the not being able to explain with words that is the hardest thing. Trying to articulate emotions and feeling so others will gain some insight into why you say what you do or act the way you are, and failing, miserably.
Sometimes, sitting in the living room, watching television, a need to talk comes over me. It’s a strong need, urge, want, that is almost oppressive, like the walls are closing in on four sides. So I turn on my laptop and go straight to my facebook page to find a friend. But, once there the feeling leaves and is replaced by dreadful loneliness. All my friends are in the USA. Miles and miles away. I cannot look them in the face as we talk. Cannot hug them or drink coffee with them. As I read their jokes and stories…look at the stupid, incessant feel good, motivational images being shared, I start to feel anger. Anger at myself for not making real world friends.
I started going out. I talk to people now but, I close off after two days. Back off. Shut them out. I’m not interested in letting them know me. I know I’m not an interesting person. Online I can find jokes to tell people, share mini tales and motivational, feel good images. In the real world I have to make conversation, not something I have ever been good at.
So, I wonder what next year will bring? Will I still be here talking to a screen? Will I have given up on it all finally like my brother did? Who knows. I do know that I saw a great, funny, Maxine picture earlier… Off to share it with my friends.